This bigger picture view may not only influence your decision, it may also slow down or speed up the pace of change.

But there’s a more insidious change blocker, one that can halt the process completely ... one that is often also the original cause of the current presenting issue ... judgement and the associated shame.

At one time projected at us, shame is a powerful emotional weapon re-triggered by our feelings of worth, or rather ‘unworthiness’. It’s a wound deep within our unconscious mind, and until brought to awareness and healed we may use that same critical voice against ourselves in the present. It's a double whammy, pain the first time around and now having opportunity to sabotage us for the second time. Not just through the unconscious triggers either … but through the healing process itself … this time through awareness.

I’ve spoken with a few people recently who were being really hard on themselves for the impact of family decisions all made in good faith a long time ago… and it prompted me to reflect on my own situation.

I’m fortunate to be part of a family where people have become comfortable with who they are … self-acceptance is liberating, it has its advantages and I’ve found it to be a good foundation for open discussions about how things are between us all. But it can be uncomfortable at times too … like when you’re being called out on your bullshit!

I recently talked to my brother, reflecting on thoughts I was having about a situation I knew he’d be able to relate to firsthand, and I wanted his opinion. It was about parenting and the interaction with the school system.

As usually happens in these conversations, we got onto the topic of our parents parenting style … what always makes me chuckle, are the aspects of our experience that my brother thinks are amazing, and how they’re often very different to my own perspective … we have lots of common ground, but often have polar opposite views of the extremes of our experience.

Why might this be?
One of the reasons is that there aren’t many definitive ‘rights’ or ‘wrongs’ when it comes to parenting, beyond being a good human … because we all have different individual needs.

• And the thing about kids is that often they don’t have the resources yet to express their needs or how they feel. They often don’t have the intellectual capacity because that part of their brain is still developing, so sometimes they have funny ways, visceral ways, animalistic ways of showing what their feelings are… and when their needs haven’t been met.
• And we forget that kids have boundaries too, sometimes their distress is when their needs have been exceeded!
• And sometimes they just don’t know, they just know that ‘I don’t feel well’ or ‘it feels bad’, and sometimes ‘I don’t know’ is a strategy to be rescued.

So… when you’re doing your own work, especially related to attachment, whether it’s your own stuff and your experience of your parents parenting style, or you’re doing work with your own children and it’s your parenting style that’s under the spotlight… it’s really important that you don’t get caught up in the trap of blame, guilt and shame.

Even when you’ve done your best, done the ‘right’ thing, made good decisions in the moment… we still can’t be sure that everyone’s needs have been met. Sometimes it’s just not possible to meet everyone's needs, and sometimes what we’re responding to is wants, not needs at all. And let’s not forget, just like adults… what a child needs isn’t necessarily what they want … and how they react to that can trigger our own stuff.

So the way I approach it is this, determine where you’re at now, and work from there … we can refer to past events, it can give a valuable insight into lessons learned, self-acceptance and forgiveness, and where we can release attachments to old hurt and resentments. But those people who made the decisions don’t exist anymore, the people who matter are the ones here, now, the ones who are working with you, creating something different … focus on them.

We are powerless to make change until we become aware. It’s important that we are able to get honest with ourselves if we are to delve deeper, to uncover and discover our saboteurs, to make the changes we want to see reflected in our lives. But when we buy into our own self-judgement and shame, it is the original projected wound, an old story, blaming us for what the wound created.

Seize the opportunity to be kind this time … reassure and heal that wounded inner child.

I have a really short answer for this. There’s not much you can do, unless you have plenty of cash, in which case you probably don’t care that much that they’re copying anyway. Also, how do you know for sure?

This resentment can come from a number of places, sometimes anger based on fear, because of your own lack… and I imagine it being heart-breaking to see a poacher doing better than you… sometimes anger from sadness that you’re not getting the recognition you think you deserve… or maybe just your thoughts about respect, your boundaries… or something else.

Fundamentally it’s about values and beliefs, as much as commercial interest, and at the end of the day… not everyone has the same ones as you.

The way I see it… the bottom line?  Unless it’s a product or service concept that you think really should be patented or copyrighted (because you can’t protect an ‘idea’)… when it comes to content... unless it’s a like-for-like ‘cut and paste’ (and you’d have to be pretty stupid to do that these days with the content-bots running on the web)… ‘copying’ is pretty subjective. Even with products, people have the same ideas at the same time in completely different parts of the world. That’s energy for you.

If something’s determined to become manifest be sure it’ll find a way. Some people call these things happy ‘accidents’ or coincidences Or, maybe they’ve been inspired by the same thing as you… or maybe not. Maybe they are the implementers who need the creatives, in order that they can bring something into being.

When it comes to content, people’s energy is ‘in’ their version of it. It’s also why content writers may get you leads, but may not always get you clients… words have energy. When they’ve come from an inspired place they have energy attached… it’s when we’ve over-processed words and over-analysed meaning that the impact is often lost, along with the interest of the reader.

You can think what you like; I think your vibe will eventually determine who works with you. People will soon get caught out if they get visibility based on other’s work… for a start what happens if you take a break? There are plagiarists, we all know who they are… frankly history is littered with them, and doesn’t history tell us that it’s the followers who often cash in after the originator has gone broke ‘creating’.

If you’re a sensitive person, you know when something’s been written for you and directed at you… if you’re not sensitive in a way that you ‘know’ consciously, be assured your unconscious will feel the vibrational match. You’ll just ‘know’.

Yes, I’m writing this not only because I’ve seen the question being asked in forums, and been asked the question myself by my own clients, but because I’ve have also had this same experience. There are people who wait for my posts and then post something similar, or use my message as inspiration and post straight after.

But in my writing I’ve researched and been inspired by the work of others too, who I reference at the time. But what about when recalling things that have inspired me at some time in the past, or when I no doubt see things differently and a thought comes back to me in another way. Other people's work may have influenced something I’ve written too…. but I no longer know the source, albeit I will be using my own words and interpretation.

I’m fortunate to have an abundant life… but on the odd occasions when I’ve been curious enough to validate my suspicions, and been interested enough to see who and what has been commented on content that’s been blatantly copied… to be honest, the comments and engagement have come from people who probably wouldn’t be attracted to me and my work anyway… so really, what’s the issue?

Yes it’s nice when someone is kind enough to give credit to those people who’ve inspired them… not everyone has the self-worth to allow them to do that. Many people don’t even see it as plagiarism, although the law may take a different view.

So I say this, keep doing your thing, put your message out there without attachment and expectation. Trust that what flows from you will return to you in some other way… And think on this... if the creatives aren’t bringing new ideas into the world it would be a pretty dark place … so shine your light anyway!

The easy answer when dealing with second thoughts is to say to yourself, 'I believe in my dreams, goals and desires, I know that the support I’m seeking to fulfil them starts with me.'

… But what about when that just doesn’t cut it, maybe you’re having an off-day or your self-confidence is flagging.

So, let’s rewind a bit …. We don’t all want the same things, but we all have our own pattern.  I’ll talk more about what this means over the coming weeks, but one of the biggest issues presented by clients, in their second thoughts category is, ‘Who or what else might be affected?’

When you decide that you want something, you probably go through a thought process, whether you’re aware of it or not. It may include things like, ‘Is what I want within my control?’

When making a decision, a question you can ask yourself that will make second thoughts less powerful is ...
‘If my goal was a wish and I could fulfil it straight away would I take it?’

• If your answer is ‘Yes, but ….’ Then there’s a problem with what you’re going after, it needs some tweaking, maybe it needs to be more specific, you’ll need to think about what’s stopping you and maybe even change the goal, e.g. timing, affecting other people, skill gap.
• If your answer is a resounding ‘Yes!’ then tell someone who is your biggest supporter, preferably someone who isn’t a stakeholder in the outcome, beyond wanting what’s best for you.

Lots of people share their dreams and goals with people closest to them, but these are often the people who’ll be most impacted by change, often what they’ll see as negative impact …. because they’re humans too and are triggered by change – even good change! I know we’re crazy aren’t we?

If you've considered this impact and decided you want it anyway, telling these people can be a free source of second thoughts. You will need to decide when important people should be told, but when you’re having doubts, and you just need that little confidence boost to keep you going, if you can’t find the reserves from WITHIN YOU then try to speak to someone who’s on your side…. unconditionally.

Finding the ‘right’ supporter for each of the changes in your life can make the difference in having the life you want or living someone else's idea of the dream life.

If you’re struggling to find this person from your circle of friends and family then you could consider getting a coach ... or better still a mentor ... someone who's already been there and done it!

... In our next post I'll share with you how to make the right choice of mentor, coach, in fact all different types of external support.

• Masculine energy is the longing within strong arms to chop wood, defend from attack, and hold precious life safe inside them.
  
• Masculine energy is the expression of independence and freedom.

 
All men and women have masculine energy.

What is feminine energy?

• It is the always changing energy of this moment, of the wild, dynamic dance of life itself.
• It is the energy of squiggly lines, of outside the lines, of blowing up the lines and letting the remnant pieces of those lines form impossibly new shapes no one can predict.
• It’s the energy of divine chaos, of the infinite unknown and the mysterious.
• It’s the energy of the heart that connects us to the realm of mystery and intuition, and so much more.
• Feminine energy is the energy of communion, connection… love.

 
All men and woman have feminine energy.

I hope you've enjoyed our mini blog series. Contact us to find out how we can help you improve your  relationships.
 
www.clarelegge.com
https://www.facebook.com/BeyondYourBelief/

This week, one of my clients was struggling to define goals for themself and their business.  It’s more common than you might think. It can be a lot easier to define what we don’t want than what we do; especially if you’ve experienced the ‘unwanted’ scenario first-hand already.

As humans we're driven either towards something fabulous or away from something bad … your personality will influence this to a degree. The trouble with ‘don’t want’ is that it’s similar energy to ‘need’' … they’re feelings where you hand over your power to an external influence.

If you’re a regular reader of my posts, you’ll be aware that as humans we're programmed in a way that change is ‘scary’ for our subconscious, it’s part of our survival evolution. So when you’re going after something different, it's 'human' to get triggered and you probably won't know why. Let’s keep it simple and call these triggers ‘second thoughts’ … and they’re ok by the way. It’s nature’s way of keeping you safe, it’s our own internal version of an ‘are you sure?’

Trouble is, when you’re in a low energy vibe, you’re already on high alert, so those second thoughts can seem really big … almost like you’re being ‘tested’, or feeling like you’re being guided away from your original plan ... because they're usually from an unconscious part of our mind, we don't know why we're having them, and that scares us even more.

What can you do about it? … join us in part 2 next week to find out.

Note: the following is written from a heterosexual perspective, but the dynamic equally applies to all relationships.

Do either of these scenarios resonate with you?

A woman with unmet father needs…

• Father was cold and distant and didn’t give her enough attention growing up.
  
• It affected her ability to integrate her femininity, as a father would have been the first man in her life to recognise that side of her.
• She spends her life going from relationship to relationship changing herself to match each man in the hope she will win his approval. Thus meeting the unmet needs for validation and love from her father.

• She regresses to this wounded child, becoming needy and angry when she doesn’t get what she wants.
• Her conscious partner leaves, in doing so he's unconsciously trying to show her this wound, show her the gaping hole within herself where she has refused to stop and start loving herself.
• Through this wounding she has continued to believe she can be happy, fulfilled and whole if she has the love of a man.
• Seeking love and validation outside of herself. This is a void that no man can fill.
• She has to heal these wounds and learn to love herself.

A man experiences a cold and unloving mother...

• She is more often than not angry and frustrated and will take this out on him as a child.
• He would repress his anger and could not express it or he would experience her wrath.
• Through this conditioning he learnt to ‘people please’ and to do whatever was necessary to keep his mother happy to avoid her outbursts.
• As an adult he attracted volatile and cold women leaving him feeling lonely and empty.
• He felt that nothing he did was enough and that he was unworthy of love.
• With a conscious woman, when he tried to use the same methods to ‘control’ the situation and gain the attention he wanted it didn’t work.
• His partner would not allow herself to be manipulated.
• This caused arguments and he would regress to the angry child who wasn’t getting his needs met.
• Lashing out with hurtful words causing further distance between them.

Can you see how these situations can play out in relationships, often without any conscious awareness of what is happening?

• Are you ready to show some love and compassion to those injured parts of yourself?
• Can you forgive yourself for reacting in these ways?
• Can you find space in your heart to forgive yourself and others?

 
If you answered 'yes' … then you're more than ready for the relationship of your dreams

Contact us to find out how we can help you improve your  relationships.
Join us next week for part 3 … masculine and feminine energy in all of us.

www.clarelegge.com
https://www.facebook.com/BeyondYourBelief/

In my practice I see men and women who are becoming increasingly frustrated at not getting what THEY want from relationships. Many are unaware that in this behaviour they are regressing back to the small child who didn’t get their needs met by their carers: mother, father or other primary carers. These unmet needs were so painful as a child that feelings get repressed by the subconscious and 'forgotten'.

In adult relationships when emotionally triggered, they come from a place of their 'wounded inner child', a child who is angry or upset that their carers didn’t give them enough attention, praise, validation, love, or let them do what they wanted. They then unconsciously project these unmet needs, usually onto their partner; the repressed anger, blame, frustration that has been 'split-off' and deeply hidden. This is a 'drama game'.

Part of becoming 'whole again' or bringing together these split parts of one's self,  involves being able to increase awareness, become more conscious and take an honest look at how you are contributing to these situations, accept your part and understand what attachment issues are at source. It can be difficult to do this alone, and some people also struggle to put their wounded ego aside to do this work, which is where a good therapist can help.

How are you contributing to the 'drama game' in your relationships?

• are you blaming relationship struggles on the 'other' 
• are you frustrated that old relationship games are no longer working
• are you connected with your masculine and feminine energy 
  

Join us next week for part 2 … it’s time to visit the wounded inner child.

Contact us to find out how we can help you improve your relationships, help you show up unashamedly  and achieve depth and intimacy.

www.clarelegge.com
https://www.facebook.com/BeyondYourBelief/

Wherever you are, relationships are about people … whether you’re B2B, B2C, or H2H (human to human, yep … it finally happened).

Desmond (we haven’t moved to ‘Des’ yet because he doesn’t even know I exist. He doesn’t know what he’s missing…!) … anyway, Desmond Morris wrote a book about human behaviour, more specifically his 12 step scale of human intimacy ...  he’s a guy who 'knows his onions'

And then there’s Carol … who’s just been sent a connection request on Facebook by Harri. Harri’s a small business owner, a therapist in fact. What he doesn’t know is that Carol is also a small business owner. He doesn’t know this because he doesn’t know Carol … at all. Carol is a connection of one of his ‘connections’.
Carol’s wondering, ‘Who are you Harri? Should I recognise your name?’

She doesn’t have time to check him out, so she leaves his request, because after a few seconds his name still hasn’t rung any bells.

Then eventually, a few days later when she has more time, she reviews her Friend Requests list, sees Harri’s name again and that they have around 10 mutual friends. So now Carol’s saying to herself, ‘Hmm … who’s this Harri? I know we’ve never met, I don’t recognise his name … I don’t remember ‘liking’ any of his stuff either.’

Carol’s spot on … Harri’s a complete stranger, he hasn’t ‘liked’ her page, any of her posts on her personal or business page, in fact Harri’s never shown up ANYWHERE in Carol’s universe before this request.
But Carol’s feeling generous ... and as she can see Harri’s connected to lots of her friends, she says to herself, ‘Well Harri, I’ll take a chance, if my friends and connections have accepted you, you're probably ok.’ She presses confirm which is the equivalent of making a deposit in their relationship account.

... and within half a second of Carol accepting the request Harri goes and immediately asks her to like all of his business stuff, and has added her to his group.

Now here's what's happening ... It's like Carol, a stranger, has walked into a bar, and Harri has asked her to join the drinks round and has pinched her ass while he’s at it, or worse... which is the equivalent of Desmond's 1-10 in a nanosecond ... it's not ok.
 
Whether Harri realises it or not, what he’s just done is taken his second withdrawal when he hasn’t made any deposit. Initially Carol thought he was making an offer ... now she knows he’s asking for favours, without giving any value … As Desmond would probably say, without making an emotional investment. He's overdrawn.
 
Whether it's personal or business, we're human first. If you start by immediately asking for favours on first contact, or 'pinch someone’s ass', you can expect to get ignored or the equivalent of a 'slap in the face' ... depending on how far you’ve crossed the boundary. Basically, it's not going to happen. Carol’s never going to visit Harri’s page now … in fact she immediately unfriends him.
 
ANY request, to anyone is a withdrawal … check in with your emotional bank account. Ask yourself whether you’re trying to spend money you haven’t deposited? Kind and curious people are generous … but don’t take advantage, not if you want to build a relationship at least.
 
#BeHumanInBusiness ... you'll get more interest that way.

www.clarelegge.com
https://www.facebook.com/TheAnatomyOfSuccess/